Channeling my inner frat guy...

I have to be honest here. I have a new alter-ego and I am not sure I like him too much. Moving forward, I will affectionately refer to the said alter ego as Frank. Frank the Frat Guy to be exact.


Let me preface this post with a little history on my many alter-egos. I have three, err four (sorry Frank)…but I suspect I will continue to adopt more as my life goes on.


Every year in the fall I come down with some sort of a head cold. But not just any cold, these are usually some sort of cold on steroids…the kind of cold that doesn’t just linger but brings its own sleeping bag and rubs your shoulders and watches Modern Family with you as it invades your otherwise healthy home. The dreaded cold comes complete with post nasal drip, cough attacks that never cease to hit while I am sleeping, and a raw throat.

Enter alter-ego # 1: Kathleen Turner.

Kathleen was discovered and named by my adoring husband. He began to notice that as my cold worsened, my voice got deeper than his. Naturally, he was a bit threatened so I presume he felt it was necessary to bring me back to reality. So he named me Kathleen. And for the record, we are not talking about the Kathleen Turner role in Romancing the Stone (though she was a bit masculine then). We are referring to the Kathleen Turner role from Friends, when Chandler’s cross-dressing dad appears. Yes, my sweet husband affectionately compares me to a cross-dressing man in the midst of my head cold anguish. Can’t you just feel the love? We know that every fall Kathleen has her plane ticket purchased, her bags packed, and is just bursting with excitement as she awaits the perfect time to crash the Brann household. She usually shows up at some perfect time with the plans to sabotage my pumpkin patch weekend. We love her. Let me just tell you.

But Kathleen is not the only other woman to be in our home. No, we also have a Princess … also courtesy of my hubby. Our Princess usually appears when I am lacking a sense of, shall I say, delicacy?

Enter alter ego # 2: Princess Fiona…from Shrek.

The ogre Princess Fiona, not the pretty, singing redhead. While I am certain my hubby loves this princess, I know he is sometimes taken aback by her actions. You see, Princess Fiona is not always mindful of her manners. She thinks it is quite appropriate to burp louder than her husband and is completely at home with a cold beer and cheese dip. Princess Fiona also has sisters who laugh hysterically at bathroom humor and often leave their spouses shaking their heads in dismay. Bet you didn’t know Princess Fiona had sisters, did ya? Well she does…their names are Heth and Pemily.  Anyways.  Princess Fiona often appears when I am tired, or too comfortable in a crowd, or just plain bored. Because sometimes I need to shake things up.


My third alter-ego is perhaps the most beneficial to have around. She loves to clean and often does it in a panic-stricken sort of way. Disinfecting the sink is a joyful occasion for this lady and I must say that I personally enjoy her appearances.

Enter alter ego # 3: Monica Gellar.

Monica has control issues. She isn’t very good at sitting and chatting after dinner because she is too busy imagining how to get marinara sauce off her son’s clothes. The dishes can never wait to be cleaned because that would just get in the way of folding laundry. She often clears her guest’s dinner plates off the table too soon and has been known to swipe the fork from an unsuspecting diner while they are mid-bite. Sorry ‘bout that. And she talks really, really loud. We know Monica has gone too far when Jimmy drops a subtle hint of, “Monicaaaaaaa. What are you doing?” It is at that moment I usually realize that Monica is no longer welcome and is sort making our guests uncomfortable.


The newest addition to my personality is even less appealing than Fiona…even more controlling than Monica, and a bit more masculine than Kathleen.

Enter alter ego # 4: Frank the Frat Guy.

Frank came to town when I got pregnant and I am certain that he is convinced it is his duty to keep me in the college life until this baby arrives. Frank doesn’t glow…he sweats…particularly at night. The thought of brushing his teeth upsets him emotionally and the concept of fresh veggies makes his stomach turn. He prefers the nourishment of dishes like ramen noodles and mac n cheese. He is soooo healthy. Frank doesn’t do much…he simply likes to sleep. A lot. He spends most of his weekends sitting in bed watching mind-numbing junk on TV and thinks it is totally appropriate to go out in public without showering, while donning only a baseball cap and the previous night’s pajamas. Yes, Frank is quite the charmer. He also has a very weak stomach (chalk that up to last night’s hall party) and has been known to gag at the sight of grilled cheese sandwiches. And like any frat-guy, Frank is really good at throwing up. In fact, it’s his new favorite pastime. We love Frank.


As this pregnancy progresses and my mind, body, and soul are changed thanks to the little human growing inside me, I am certain there will be newer alter egos to channel. Because let’s face it, I am not the most gracious of pregnant ladies. Much like my friend Frank, I don’t glow. I sweat. I don’t welcome the new, curvier me. I get stretch marks and a big butt. And I don’t really “nest”, I simply shop til I drop and hope I picked up a thing or two that will suit the new kiddo.


I suppose we can’t get much worse than Kathleen … or Fiona … or Monica … and certainly not Frank. But in the event that I do get larger, louder, and lazier I suppose I could name that alter ego something fitting. Like Roseanne Barr. (insert obnoxious laugh here).