Confessions of a Blog-aholic

I am a bit of a blog-aholic. I creep. I click. I search. And I love. I love to read about the lives of others. I find joy in the shared joys of others and I often experience hurt and sadness as I read about others’ trials. Say what you want, but I think blogs are fantastic.


One of the things I truly enjoy about my blog is that I have found it sort of pulls down the walls I have built up. In the past it has been easy for me to keep my private life from the masses. Don’t get me wrong, if you were to ask me, I would be an open book. But I have never felt 100% confident in sharing some of the tough stuff with everyone. I prefer to be the fun gal, the one who cracks witty jokes and can lighten your mood. Pictures don’t go up on Facebook unless they are cute. My status updates are never sad. And I certainly don’t sign my emails, “Having a rough day…love ya! Brooke.”


No, it is often easier to keep the yucky stuff within close circles. But some things just need to be shared and I cherish the ability to share with others via my blog.


As this pregnancy progresses and the evidence of a baby growing inside me becomes more visible (officially wearing maternity pants! Woohoo!), I find myself conflicted. I am so happy to welcome this little life into our home but I am also worn down, frustrated with my pregnancy experience, and a little concerned about what will happen once the baby is actually here.


When I was a little girl, I daydreamed about having babies. My baby dolls all slept with me, I changed their diapers often, and I was often the nurturing friend to others. As I entered adolescence I took on countless babysitting jobs and even worked as a nanny one summer in high school. Having babies? It was in my blood. And even as we waited for Pearce’s arrival, I was a stellar caregiver. A friend of mine even dubbed me as the “Baby Whisperer” because of my ability to calm her cranky girl down. I was set up for maternal magnificence.


But all that confidence changed when I met sweet Pearce.

I remember when  Jimmy handed him to me after he was born. I was so surprised at how calm I was. Where were the crazy tears? Why wasn’t I smiling from ear to ear? And why was I so content letting others hold him? I looked at his wild hair and puffy lips and waited for the life-changing electric current I assumed every other woman felt when a mother is face to face with her child for the first time. But it didn’t come.

And as the weeks went by, I found that motherhood was so tough. I wasn’t sleeping. I hadn’t showered. I was just lucky to brush my teeth. I was living on coffee and I spent most of my days sitting in a glider nursing. In many ways, I think it was one of the loneliest times in my life. I remember being greeted by happy smiles as people brought meals to our house and loved on our boy. When asked how I was doing, I would smile sweetly and reply, “I’m good … Just tired. Isn’t he precious?” Because I sort of thought if I said it enough, it would be true.


But I wasn’t fine. I was losing my mind.


Don’t get me wrong. I loved that boy more than anything I had ever seen. I did think he was precious. I loved his hair and his lips and his puffy cheeks. I loved how he stretched each time we changed his diaper. I loved that he was our boy…that I could see bits of his daddy in him each time I looked at him. I loved that child with all my heart. I just didn’t like him very much. He needed me all the time and half the time I didn’t know what he needed. So I just kept giving and trying and reading about newborns and nursing and rocking. Why was this so tough?

I couldn’t figure out why nursing was so hard for me and why I had to get out of bed every 2-3 hours to feed this little camel just so he could eat again in two hours. I mean, I never thought I would be jealous of someone’s milk supply or expertness at breastfeeding, but I was so jealous of everyone who already knew what they were doing. I remember sitting at a friend’s house while she pumped and saw that she got eight ounces on each side. Eight! I wanted to slap her.


I remember sitting topless in Pearce’s pediatrician’s office at his one week check up as she squeezed and yanked and poked at me, just trying to help Pearce get a good latch during nursing. I looked up at Jimmy with frustrated tears in my eyes as Jimmy gave me a sympathetic look and a reassuring squeeze of the hand. My body was no longer my own. I was officially being milked like Bessie the Cow. Brookie the Cow. Perfect.


For the first 4-6 weeks of Pearce’s life I cried each time the sun went down because I knew what was coming. For the rest of the world, the sunset meant blessed rest was right around the corner. For me, it meant the loneliness of dark and countless hours in the glider watching Paris Hilton is My New BFF (don’t judge me). Oh, those nights were so tough.


But like my friends told me I would, I quickly grew to like our son and love him more deeply than I thought possible. Simply put, I adored him. I loved the feel of his fuzzy hair on my face. I loved how he looked around at the world with wonder and I will never forget the first time he smiled at me. The mother-child connection was finally there and it was so strong.

And in many ways, this pregnancy has mirrored my emotions those first few weeks of Pearce’s life. I feel as though I am in over my head. While I love this child already, I am not too sure I like the fact that my body is not my own. I throw up everyday and spend the rest of my time gagging. And oh yeah, I have been known to wet my pants while vomiting. It’s my new thing. It’s awesome.


And to add insult to injury? I woke up on Monday with a fever blister…my first ever. My dermatologist asked me if I had been run down or stressed. I fought back tears as I nodded slowly and silently begged him not to ask me anymore pressing questions as I might just open the waterworks and cry all over his exam room floor.


But as I exited his office, an elderly lady opened the waterworks for him.


I had noticed she and her husband kept staring at me while we were in the waiting room. I think they may have been a little unsure about my fever blister and could have simply mistaken it for some sort of skin cancer. I don’t know why there were so fascinated. Anyhow, as I left the doctor’s office my nurse ran after me and said, “Here! Take this sample of viral cream to start using right now. That way you don’t have to rush to get your prescription filled.”


The little old lady, (who was clearly deaf or close to it), turned to her husband and practically yelled, “Ohhhh. She has a virus!”


Yes lady, I do. It’s actually quite painful. Isn’t that wonderful? And while I have your attention, do you happen to have a spare Depends diaper in your handbag? You see, I have been wetting my pants lately too and would appreciate your support on that front as well. Thanks.


Sigh.


There are some days right now that I am barely hanging on by a thread. But then I remember Pearce and our first rough weeks together, and I am hopeful. This will pass, right? Please Lord, let it pass.